Clear is kind: Why clarity, courage and high expectations matter in change
I remember hearing legendary rugby league coach Wayne Bennett share a story years ago about a young player who had recently joined his team but wasn’t quite performing at the level expected of him.
When asked how he approached the situation, Wayne’s response was simple: clear is kind.
He went on to explain that if he wasn’t being clear with that young player about what was expected of him, where he needed to improve and how he was going to support him to get there, then the responsibility sat with Wayne as the leader, not the player.
I’ve thought about that story many times since, particularly in relation to supporting change, because I think sometimes we confuse being kind with being nice.
We want to be good leaders, we care about our people and we genuinely want them to feel supported. But sometimes, in trying to be nice, we avoid conversations that might make someone uncomfortable, soften expectations because we know they’re already busy or accept something that isn’t quite good enough because we don’t want to create additional pressure.
“Being kind doesn’t mean lowering our expectations. It means caring enough to be clear about them and doing what we reasonably can to help people meet them.”
And I understand why. Most leaders aren’t deliberately avoiding their responsibilities. They’re trying to do the right thing by their people, often while navigating their own uncertainty, competing priorities and concerns about how a decision might be received.
But I think there’s a difference between being nice in the moment and being genuinely kind to someone. If we haven’t been clear about what we expect, how can we reasonably expect someone to meet those expectations? And if we know someone is struggling but choose to lower the bar rather than understand what’s getting in their way, are we really giving them the opportunity to succeed?
Kindness and clarity go hand in hand. We can have high expectations of our people whilst also providing high levels of support, and doing both is an important part of helping people grow, develop confidence and find purpose in their work.
It’s particularly important when we’re leading change, because we’re often asking people to do things differently whilst they’re already managing the demands of their everyday roles.
High expectations deserve high support
When we’re leading change, clarity starts with making sure people understand what’s changing, why it’s happening, what we expect of them and when those expectations need to be met.
That might sound straightforward, but I think we sometimes underestimate how much clarity people need. We might communicate that a new system is being introduced, explain the benefits and provide training, but have we been clear about when people are expected to start using it? What processes need to change? What should they prioritise while they’re learning? And what does successful adoption truly look like?
Clear expectations help people understand what successful adoption looks like and make it easier for leaders to provide support, monitor progress and hold people accountable throughout the change.
Having high expectations of people is a wonderful thing! When we communicate that we believe someone is capable of learning, growing and contributing, we’re giving them an opportunity to develop confidence and a sense of purpose in their work. But those expectations need to be realistic, and they need to come with genuine support.
Imagine we are implementing a new system and someone is struggling to adopt it. Perhaps they’re overwhelmed with their existing workload, haven’t had enough opportunity to practise or are worried about making mistakes.
It’s tempting to say, “That’s okay, I know you’re busy. You can keep using the old system for now.”
And while that may feel supportive, perhaps we need to consider what we’re actually achieving.
Have we helped that person develop the confidence and capability they need, or have we simply delayed the challenge? Have we understood what’s getting in their way, or have we made an assumption about what they can manage?
It is so much more successful to have a conversation about what support they need. Perhaps we can reprioritise some of their work, arrange additional training or provide more time to practise. And if we’re discovering that the expectations aren’t achievable for a significant number of people, perhaps we need to revisit the change plan itself.
Being flexible is an important part of good change leadership, but flexibility shouldn’t mean quietly abandoning expectations because someone doesn’t want to change or because we’re uncomfortable having the conversation.
Key takeaway
High expectations and high support belong together. When someone is struggling, our first response should be to understand what’s getting in their way and how we can help them succeed, rather than simply lowering our expectations.
Honesty isn’t the opposite of advocacy
Being clear also means being honest about the change itself. We sometimes confuse advocating for change with needing to be overwhelmingly positive about it, when good leadership is about helping people understand why the change matters while being realistic about what it will take to get there.
We can genuinely support a decision, believe in its benefits and encourage others to embrace it without pretending that every aspect of the change will be easy or exciting.
Sometimes change is going to be hard. A new system can take longer to use initially, familiar processes might become more complicated before they improve, and people might feel less confident or productive while they’re learning.
We can acknowledge those things and still genuinely believe that the change is the right decision.
“Our people deserve honesty about what’s ahead, clarity about what’s expected and genuine support to help them succeed.”
In fact, I think we’re far more credible when we do!
Imagine a leader saying to their team, “I know this is the right direction for our organisation, and I believe we’re going to see some wonderful benefits over the next six to twelve months. But I’m also concerned about the pressure this is going to put on our team in the short term. I know we’re already busy, so let’s talk about what we can do to create capacity and make sure everyone has the support they need.”
What a wonderful example of authentic and honest leadership in change!
The same principle applies when we don’t have all the answers. It is perfectly reasonable to say, “I don’t know the answer to that yet, but I’ll find out for you.” That’s far more helpful than providing an answer we’re not confident about simply because we feel we should know.
Of course, saying we’ll find out also comes with a responsibility to follow through. Whether we’re promising an answer, additional training or support to help someone manage their workload, our actions need to match our words. Equally, when we’ve established reasonable expectations and provided the necessary support, we need to be prepared to have honest conversations when those expectations aren’t being met. Accountability works both ways, and following through on our commitments is fundamental to building trust.
There will also be times when we can’t share everything we know, perhaps because decisions haven’t been finalised or information is confidential. Being clear doesn’t mean sharing absolutely everything and being 100% transparent. It means being honest about what we can share, what we can’t and, where appropriate, why.
Our people are so capable of navigating uncertainty, particularly when they trust that their leaders are being genuine with them.
Key takeaway
Honesty isn’t the opposite of advocacy. We can believe in a change, support the direction and still acknowledge that parts of the journey will be difficult.
Having the conversations we’d sometimes rather avoid
Unfortunately, I often see leaders delaying conversations because they’re worried about how their people will react.
Sometimes they haven’t been involved in making the decision, don’t fully understand the reasoning behind it or have concerns of their own. Other times, they’re simply uncomfortable with the possibility that someone might be upset, frustrated or resistant to what’s being asked of them.
This is understandable. It’s difficult to communicate something that you know will create additional work or uncertainty for people you genuinely care about, particularly when you’re navigating your own feelings about the change.
But avoiding the conversation doesn’t make it easier.
When people know something is happening but don’t have enough information to understand what it means, they start trying to make sense of it themselves. They hear snippets of conversations, notice changes in behaviour and fill in the gaps with their own assumptions. They write their own stories. And their assumptions are often much more concerning than the reality.
We also need to be careful about how quickly we label people’s reactions as resistance.
Sometimes what looks like resistance is actually fear or a genuine concern. Someone might be worried about their ability to learn a new system, the impact on their customers, the additional workload or whether the change is going to affect something they value about their role.
Concerns deserve to be understood, and we can’t understand them if we’re avoiding the conversation.
Brené Brown talks about the importance of courage in leadership, and having difficult conversations is one of the places where that courage matters most. We need to be prepared to have conversations that might be uncomfortable, listen to things we might not particularly want to hear and acknowledge that we don’t always have all the answers.
But we also need to be clear about the direction we’re heading.
We can listen to someone’s concerns without suggesting that the change is optional. We can acknowledge that something is difficult without agreeing that it shouldn’t happen. And we can be compassionate about someone’s circumstances while remaining clear about what we need them to do.
That is what leading with both kindness and courage looks like in practice.
A question for leaders
Are we avoiding a conversation because it would be difficult for our people, or because we’re uncomfortable with how they might respond?
Clarity shapes team culture
The impact of unclear or inconsistent expectations can extend well beyond one person, and last long after a change has been implemented.
Imagine a team where most people have made the effort to adopt a new system, attended training and changed their ways of working, while a few continue using the old processes because their leader doesn’t want to push too hard.
The people who have embraced the change may now be managing inconsistent information, working across different processes or picking up additional work. Over time, that can create frustration and resentment, particularly when expectations seem to apply differently to different people.
Leaders need to consider the wider impact of the exceptions they make. Fairness doesn’t mean treating everyone identically, and some people will genuinely need additional time, training or reasonable adjustments. But there’s a difference between providing individualised support and removing expectations altogether, particularly when doing so creates additional work for everyone else.
When we avoid holding one person accountable, we need to consider the impact on everyone else who is making the effort to change.
A final reflection
Wayne Bennett’s story reminds me that leaders have a responsibility to set clear expectations and provide the support people need to meet them. We can’t reasonably expect people to improve, grow or adapt if we haven’t been clear about what success looks like or helped them understand how to get there.
And the same applies when we’re leading change. Our people deserve honesty about what’s ahead, clarity about what’s expected and genuine support to help them succeed. They also deserve leaders who are willing to have the difficult conversations, even when doing so feels uncomfortable.
Being kind doesn’t mean lowering our expectations. It means caring enough to be clear about them and doing what we reasonably can to help people meet them.